Should I Stay or Should I Go?

A post by Ciara:

I very clearly remember my prayers from May of 2009. Every single one included:

“Should I stay or should I go?” 

Throughout my whole life, I have been the type who jumps into a situation with both feet; no questions asked; no fears in my way; with the excitement that, no matter what happens, experiencing Life is a guarantee.

But when it comes to moving across the country, the stakes are a little higher; the risk is a tad greater; and the ability to fear is a bit more present. 

Of course, if you move somewhere and hate it, you can always move away. That part is fine. But, as you get older, as you bring a husband, eventually a family, into the leap with you… things get a little more complicated.

What if you move somewhere, and you both hate it, but it's there that your husband builds one of the best friendships he has ever had? What if your best friend moves with you, and you both hate it, but you can’t move away at the same time… maybe not even to the same place!?

Let me clarify, I don’t hate California. 

California has been wonderful to us all! California is beautiful! California has given us the experience of swimming with the sharks, surfing the Pacific, dining on the Malibu shore, sitting on movie sets, perusing the Santa Monica Pier, crossing the Golden Gate, bonfiring on the beach, standing amongst the giant sequoias, and daydreaming, windows down, as we cruise along the Pacific Coast Highway. 

California started my marriage. California started Jenny’s motherhood. California is the dream!

I sit here now, reflecting back on all of these experiences, and I realize…Our dream has been fulfilled!

As 22 year old girls, we packed up everything and moved across the country with bright stars in our eyes and big dreams in our head of what a life in California would be like.  As 27 year old women, we can leave knowing.

Jenny and I have different dreams now. From bonfires to babies. From schools of sharks to schools for our kids. From giant trees to giant houses. From sitting on movie sets to sitting on movie sets… well some dreams will never change.

But the thing is, California is expensive. And with our new dreams, it seems we must find a new location; a new adventure.

Now, September of 2014, my prayer is the same, but this time for me and Jay:

“Should we stay or should we go?” Should we go now? Should we get to a place where we can save money? Should we go to a place where we can buy a house; where we can start a family? Should we go now that we finally have built a community in our church? Should we go now that we have found opportunities to serve our community in ways that enrich our souls? Should we go now… and leave Jenny behind? Should we go now, and leave the West Coast for good?

In May of 2009, despite the number of times I prayed, “Should I stay or should I go?”… I never got a “Stay” or “Go”. Instead, it was more of a:

“All in good time, my daughter, you will be exactly where I need you to be.”

The Last 5 Years

Last night, as I watched the sunset over Mission Bay, I held a baby. A “4 month in 5 days” old baby to be exact—an age Chaunzay can rattle off without the slightest pause for thought. (Who is Chaunzay? If you look back over our last blogs, you can find him mentioned on Feb 23, 2010 in this section….“Our friends feel as though they have been our friends forever, and it's only when we tell a story that no one else remembers except Ciara and I, do we realize we have only known them a few months.”)

This baby, I called Bugle for 9 months as the world awaited to know his name. This baby, I waited patiently(ish) to meet as his mommy bravely entered a C-section where they had to remove his head from her ribcage. This baby, the first born of my very best friend.

Kyran and I were out on Jenny’s porch in the evening, both quietly staring out over the water in the distance as we waited for Jen to get out of the shower. As I stood there, Kyran’s chest against mine, I had a flood of thoughts of the future….

…What will it feel like to hold a baby of my own? When will I hold a baby of my own? Is the family situation right for me yet? Can I balance career and kid? Will my next move be the right move? What does my future hold?...

When Jenny joined us out on the porch, I tried to put into words the tornado of thoughts freshly swirling in my head. Halfway into my 1^st sentence:

 “I just want to know what life has in store for me when….”

Jenny laughs. I stopped.

“What?”
“It’s just funny.” She responded. “We have had this exact same conversation so many different times in our lives.”

Yes we have.

That moment shifted from dreams of the future to a rush of memories of the past. We realized that exactly 5 years ago, we were on our epic road trip across the country to our new, uncertain, yet fully welcome home in California.

So now of course, Jen and I had to revisit our blogs from our fantastic 2009.

We spent a couple of hours laughing through each of the adventures we had; gasping at some of the forgotten details; giggling at the purposefully extracted stories; cracking up at some of the foolishly naïve thoughts our 22-year-old selves had. (i.e. “Ciara and I were then headed to a Russian party downtown at this place called The Church.” … A Russian party? Seriously? Were we joking or did we not know that Svedka and Stoli mean vodka, and just called it a Russian party, ‘cause those words sound Russian, right?)

As we reminisced, I was so delighted that Jenny had taken the time to write out all of our adventures. Shortly after our road trip, my computer crashed, and we lost most of our photos and videos. But being able to read out loud the accounts of the ridiculous times we had, warms my heart a little.

The thing is, while 2009 was a great year for Jenny and I (only half of which we actually blogged about), every memory that we have together is filled with just as many rich and hilarious details. Unfortunately, we don’t have them all down on paper, so we rely on our best compilation of details pieced together from what we each remember.

That works, but now, I want to use this “Adventure Called Life” blog to really record this adventure we are still on… this adventure called life. And oh what an adventure it is.

While out walking around Point Loma yesterday, we talked about how much has changed in the past 5 years:
~Jen says, if you had told 22-year-old, traveling across the country Jenny that in 5 years she would still be in San Diego, building a family with a man she would meet in just a few months, she would have never believed you.
~If you had told 22-year-old, traveling across the country Ciara that in 5 years from now she’d be living in LA, pursuing film, married to Jay, she’d probably be relieved, but she would have missed out on the adventure of getting there.

Life is an adventure. Jenny and I are each learning that more every day. Currently, we are learning this separately more often than together.

As we live 1.75-6 hours away from each other (depending on traffic); as Jenny lives out her dream of a big family while she begins to raise her 1^st baby... As I balance on the support of my husband while I chase my dream of filmmaking; as we both dream of that day we get to move back to our home coast, where we understand the people and the stormy humid weather so much better... As we live life... we still find ourselves in these moments where we get together after far too long of a separation, and can’t help but dream together, laugh together, live together.

Wherever life leads us next… whether close together or far apart… we will always have one another to remind us that:

• It is necessary to lose yourself in a laughing fit.
• You should go out of your way to meet every stranger you pass.
• You should keep a steady combination of our two phone numbers any chance you meet a creep, so you can repeat the fake number back to said creep with ease.
• You should do things that would make Sarah Kelly get frustrated over, and die laughing at, at the same time.
• You should live boldly; love passionately; be a shining example of Christ in all things; and never, ever stop having fun!

So now, after many attempts to remember our blogs password, some excellent sleuthing over 5 old email addresses, and SUCCESS!... here is to many more blog posts, both together and separately, that we can look back on over life, and smile at together!